Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

thoughts?

Them: Hey girl what’s your sign

Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

Husband: *belches

Me: Exactly!

No Google it does not

“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.

Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.

Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.

Me: no thank you

*goes to watch youtube vid*

BUFFER

well okay *lifts weights*

*checks again*

BUFFER

*does steroids*

BUFFER

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”

Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

My boss just set a meeting for July  2024 and a little piece of me died.

New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you