Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.

Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?

Canada.

I’m just sayin’

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.

Me: (Sigh) There she is.

Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.

Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!

Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.

My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”