If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
You Might Also Like
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
🤣could you imagine
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”