If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
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“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Yup.
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars