Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food

My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

Take care of yourself, ladies

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

Buy one annoying person, get two free!

– In-laws

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.

Stranger: No.

Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.

*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.

Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?