Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.

Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that

My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.