If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
You Might Also Like
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
The options really are this bad
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”