If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
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A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
My fantasy football season is going great
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!