If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
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[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
when someone compliments me
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.