If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
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teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️