If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
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Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.