The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
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Thinking about the time I got paired for a project with the dude who sat beside me in history class and I couldn’t remember his name so I thought I’d be sneaky and ask him how he spelled his name instead of asking what it was and he looked me dead in the eyes and said B-E-N
People say being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world, like they went out and really compared it to being a bear trainer or a magician or a murder clown.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.