If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
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I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
why would tinder want me to say this