If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

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The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings


Thinking about the time I got paired for a project with the dude who sat beside me in history class and I couldn’t remember his name so I thought I’d be sneaky and ask him how he spelled his name instead of asking what it was and he looked me dead in the eyes and said B-E-N


People say being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world, like they went out and really compared it to being a bear trainer or a magician or a murder clown.


“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds


ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments


Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what


You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.


I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.


ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle


It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.