If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
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MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
