Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
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Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.