If I were Santa Claus, I’d have my agent be like “He’s not doing it this year if Ronald McDonald is going to be there in that shoe car.”

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GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly


This year I’m going to put the mistletoe in my back pocket, so people I hate can kiss my ass.


My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.


Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.


“What aisle has the milk?”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers* “What aisle has the milk?”


My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.


(I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)


*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.


aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this