@julieklausner

If I were Santa Claus, I’d have my agent be like “He’s not doing it this year if Ronald McDonald is going to be there in that shoe car.”

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@ericsshadow

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

@ExtraGrumpyCat

This year I’m going to put the mistletoe in my back pocket, so people I hate can kiss my ass.

@DadandBuried

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

@ceejoyner

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

@Fazio_N

“What aisle has the milk?”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers* “What aisle has the milk?”

@tiReynard

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

@mikefossey

(I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)

@KimmyMonte

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

@electrolemon

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this