Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How long should I microwave this for?

Popcorn instructions: How should we know?

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

Anyone: You go girl!

Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge

I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!

going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free

Also Spotify: we have no concept of time

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.