if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
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[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.