if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
You Might Also Like
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
The Assassin.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.