if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
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At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick