If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
You Might Also Like
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
hmmmmmm
