If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
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I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
time machine? you mean a clock?
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
My favorite female superhero
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.