If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
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Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Getting married soon just need a spouse
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Noah
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*