If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
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If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky