If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
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I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.