If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
You Might Also Like
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”