If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
You Might Also Like
Just why bro?!
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
wish me luck lads
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know