Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays

spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

Blending in with the normals like:

Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant

With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

lmaaaaaooooooooo

“That’s what” – She

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns