If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

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4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go


So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.


When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?


there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.



me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.


Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww


Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off


I think I’ll start posting my tweets on Facebook so my friends and family will all finally block me.


I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.