I don’t like it when restaurant servers ask “So what are you guys doing tonight?” because it makes me feel lame. THIS is what we’re doing, Kevin. Eating at Chili’s IS the event.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
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ME: So, was I a good person on earth?
GOD: I mean, you did the Macarena at every wedding
GOD: Like, even when it wasn’t playing
ME: Yeah, that’s bad
GOD: And not even just to dance songs either
ME: Okay I get it
GOD: You barely got in here
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
*wife puts down dinner plate*
*single pea rolls off plate*
Me: oh no we have an esca-pea
Me: I don’t care I think it’s still funny
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I was wondering why some couples don’t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don’t work out…
Everyone knows she can’t get pregnant if she’s on top. It’s called gravity, stupid.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?