If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

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I don’t like it when restaurant servers ask “So what are you guys doing tonight?” because it makes me feel lame. THIS is what we’re doing, Kevin. Eating at Chili’s IS the event.


ME: So, was I a good person on earth?

GOD: Mostly

ME: Mostly?

GOD: I mean, you did the Macarena at every wedding

ME: So?

GOD: Like, even when it wasn’t playing

ME: Yeah, that’s bad

GOD: And not even just to dance songs either

ME: Okay I get it

GOD: You barely got in here


You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.


*wife puts down dinner plate*

*single pea rolls off plate*

Me: oh no we have an esca-pea


Me: I don’t care I think it’s still funny


SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…


ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?


I was wondering why some couples don’t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don’t work out…


Everyone knows she can’t get pregnant if she’s on top. It’s called gravity, stupid.


*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole


Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?

“Abolishing slavery.”


“Slaying vampires.”

Very good.