@KentWGraham

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

You Might Also Like

@FatherWithTwins

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

@Cheeseboy22

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

@ddsmidt

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

@minkpinkustink

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

@iamburtjarvis

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

@Browtweaten

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

@CumberdickB

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

@_salt_n_lime

I think I’ll start posting my tweets on Facebook so my friends and family will all finally block me.

@Darlainky

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.