If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
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Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
sleeping beauty
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.