My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
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An argument with my wife is like the gas pedal on a Prius. I can put my foot down, but I don’t really expect much to happen…
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Gonna start wearing exclusively white jeans. With lots of zippers on them. No pockets, just so many zippers.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I learned 2 things at least when I was married
1. Always passcode lock your phone
2. Don’t use a nude pic of your gf as the lock screen
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t