It feels like Obama’s been on tour longer than The Rolling Stones.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
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4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
Me: Okay, let’s go
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Doctor: You’re sick
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I think I’ll start posting my tweets on Facebook so my friends and family will all finally block me.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.