If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
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San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup