if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
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I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
I Can’t Tonight…
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.