if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
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[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.