if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
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Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Saw online –
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.