Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”

Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!

Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.

Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still

A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

Yes

Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…

*working in pediatric ER*

me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!

kid: what is that *points to badge*

me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha

kid: it looks the same today

me:

Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”