Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?

Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume

“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”

“no, what’s it called?”

“the Nu variant”

“yeah what’s it called”

“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”

“haha wow, who named it that?”

“yes”

I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes

Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

[My first day as an architecture major]

*raises hand*

When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team

Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.

😂😂

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.

I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.