Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

man: want a carrot?

horse: ok.

man: we’re friends now right.

horse: i guess.

man: great hey can you help me move.

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.

Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.