If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
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me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!