If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
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Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…