If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
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“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
My hips? Compulsive liars.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees