Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: What’s your emergency?

I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!

911: Are you being tortured?

They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair

911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*

Person: So, what’s your favourite book?

Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?

When you have to use a public restroom.

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.

I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys

When I can’t barge, I careen.

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.

wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.

Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.