If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
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My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Who called it baking and not making love
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.