if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
You Might Also Like
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
A REAL smart phone would know when to shut up.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.