if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
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Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
#NeverForget
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*