Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

How to walk around a museum

Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved

its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??

When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???

It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]

Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body

Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”

*Pies are brought to the table.*

Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”