Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times

[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
 
seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready