If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
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djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches