If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
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You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
i like to flex on them by shrugging
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
lmao
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]