Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMFAO

ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

Celine DiOn

*claps twice*

Celine DiOff

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

😂👽

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.

NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.

I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.

Me: What are you doing?

Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.

Me: I can see you in the mirror.

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs

TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late

“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”

*Deletes tweet*

*2 minutes later*

“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

🤣😂🤣😂