Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?

Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast

Her: there’s something different about you

Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?

[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]

My Son: Where’s his lawyer?

Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.

My Son: *heavy sigh*

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

JUMP

ING

UP

AND

DOWN

ON

THE

TRAMP

O

LINE

OUT

SIDE

YOUR

WIN

DOW

IS

NOT

HOW

I

WANT

ED

TO

BREAK

UP

WITH

YOU

KAR

EN

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️

Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

Cilantro tastes like soap.

– People who eat soap, apparently

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?