If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
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I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
My life coach traded me.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud