If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
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Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no