If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
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Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher