Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

Before & after 😅

I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.

To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”

* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

long lost

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.

Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.

Hear me out:

Brunch where pajama attire is required.