If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
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universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….