If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
![]()
You Might Also Like
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Someone just threatened to call me later
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.