Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:

Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.

Me: …dare.

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.

My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”

*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud

Me: what? What did I do??

Government: wouldn’t you like to know

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.

THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale