Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

GUY: looks like your truck could use some work

ME [patting it]: indeed

GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

[First Date]

*staring up at the stars

Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”

Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”

*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete

Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.