IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
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Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*