If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
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How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
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In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.