Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.

does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.

Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

True story 🤣

The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner

My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”

Kong’s very sensitive.

Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

new record!