Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

We know he can swim but…

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work

Happy Star Wars day!

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

[text]

Me: Where are you?

Boy: home

Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.

In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…

You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?

Me to myself

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.