If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
You Might Also Like
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
At least he brought enough for everyone
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.