If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
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A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.
I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….