@UncleKermit

If I won a billion dollars, I’d help so many people. I’d help them into my deadly tank of man eating sharks under my evil lair.

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@truegritrumble

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

@Sassafrantz

[stops during sex]

If you spin my fanny pack around, there’s sandwiches in there. Help yourself.

@PeachyPixel8

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

@six_2_and_even

Sometimes you just need to splash cold water on your face and wander around looking for a towel for the next 4 years

@Steelers1972

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

@MissHavisham

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

@maisondecris

HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?

ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend

HIM: what?

ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low

HIM: what did you say?

ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂

@rickkondell

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

@dorsalstream

ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*

GENIE: DAMMIT

@AKATriple

To the first two people who thought Superman was a bird or plane… why the hell were you so excited?