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I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.