if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
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My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’