if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
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Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
how much for the angry fruit?
Bit chilly again tonight.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
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What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.