if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
You Might Also Like
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
My nickname in high school was “who?”
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.