if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
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My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
This guy’s not having it 😆
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.