@minkpinkustink

if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for

You Might Also Like

@sarcasticmommy4

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

@damakattack

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

@AbbyHasIssues

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

@In_Twittaland

That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography

@ddsmidt

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

@awkwardphilippe

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

@NoorShamma

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

@crylenol

Kinda messed up that marijuana is just a plant. Like, what other plants are drugs?
*tries to smoke a carrot*
Yea I guess I’m feelin it