if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for

You Might Also Like


I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.


Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on


The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.


That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography


You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.


[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids


You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.


Kinda messed up that marijuana is just a plant. Like, what other plants are drugs?
*tries to smoke a carrot*
Yea I guess I’m feelin it