I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
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maybe amazon should keep their opinions to themselves
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.
Kinda messed up that marijuana is just a plant. Like, what other plants are drugs?
*tries to smoke a carrot*
Yea I guess I’m feelin it