Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.

Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.

“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

I can’t stop laughing at this

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

Little known fact:

Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

Me: What music you into?

Date: I love hip hop

Me: Yeah me too

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now