If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
You Might Also Like
It will always be this
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them