If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
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AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Lube but for my dry humor.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.