If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
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I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Oh my God.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.