If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
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My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on