Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?

Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.

Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.

Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.

[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future

2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.

It still works 🤷🏼‍♀️

A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene

– What have you come as?

– A Werewolf.

– But… they’re your normal clothes.

– It’s not a full moon.

me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work

Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.

I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.

Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”