If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
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I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
for all #parents out there
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”