If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
You Might Also Like
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course