Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.

You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.

Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”

Me: “Is there an elevator?”

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.

But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.