If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
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Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.